Greatest Hits

My time in Namibia is coming to a close (that’s right, you suckers are going to have to deal with me again!) and I’ve been looking back at some of the highlights. But I’ll have plenty of time to get into the mushy sentimentality later. Right now, I’ve completed most of the grading and marking I plan on ever doing so I’d like to share a brief montage of my favorite quotes.

From the learners:
I understand that English is no one’s first language here and is usually the third or fourth (ninth sometimes) for most of these kids. So tough vocabulary coupled with a huge language barrier caused me to start keeping a little book next to me whenever I was grading papers. What follows are all the things I wrote with the questions included for context.

Q: A meteorite is a piece of rock which comes from the outer part of the solar system and enters the Earth's atmosphere. Using scientific terms explain why the meteorite slows down.
A: “Global Warming”

Q: What is a property of chlorine?
A: “It destroy the world”

On a test about matter: “Cattle is liquid but is solid”

Q: An unknown gas relights a glowing stick. This means that the gas is…
A: “DOOM” (DOOM is a bug spray here that is highly flammable)

Q: Write three properties of an acid
A: “Cock”

Q: Name three properties of an alkaline substance
A: “Beer and Cake”

Q: Give two reasons why alloys are used more than pure elements
A: “Because there are many people at the world and they also want to eat with spoon”

Q: Is the burning of candle wax endothermic or exothermic?
A: “Dance”

Q: Is the burning of Magnesium endothermic or exothermic?
A: “pop”

Q: Write down the general equation when metals burn in Oxygen
A: “Nothing is happy when you burn out the Oxygen”

Q: Why is it easy to compress a gas?
A: “Because if you don’t compress it who will do it?”

Q: (The second part to a question on mass and weight) If a man travels to the moon, his weight changes to 80N. What would happen to his mass?
A: “You cannot go to the moon with 80N. You can die”

Q: What are three ways to prevent corrosion?
A: “Don’t cut trees”

Halfway through a test, a learner raises his hand: “Sir, I need a pen” What happened to yours? “It was stolen.” During the test?! “Yes.”

Q: (A periodic table outline with letters scattered around the inside is shown.) Which letter represents an element that is very reactive?
A: “D.A.D.”

Q: What volume of magnesium oxide is needed for the solution to be neutral?
A: “Toilet soap”

Q: What is the pH scale used for?
A: “For the diagram and pictures in our country”

Q: Why is acid rain bad?
A: “It will easily kill you”
A: “Coca-cola”

Q: What causes acid rain?
A: “Blood”
A: “The rain is untidy”

Q: Define what is meant by the term “aqueous”
A: “Toothpaste”

Q: Define force
A: “Force is when something or someone force you to do something like beating your sister.”

Q: Where in Namibia is Yellow Cake mined?
A: “University of Cambridge”

Q: Differentiate between a contact force and a non-contact force.
A: “Chemical and dead plant”

Q: Complete the following word equation based on the sentence describing it. Water is made when Hydrogen is combusted with Oxygen.
A: “Yes it’s true it is”

Q: (Question asks what gas results from a reaction between an acid and a metal. This is the second part.) What is the test for that gas?
A: “Nitrogen is gas that is killing”

Q: Define displacement
A: “Displacement is placing an object where it doesn’t fit and you forget where you place it”

From the teachers:
Between staff meetings, classroom observations, or just normal conversation, these are the gems that I was able to write down before forgetting. Incidentally, for some of these I was the only person in the room who thought they were funny and I would let out a sort of cough as I started to laugh and caught it when I realized everyone else was just nodding.

To a student who was having a tough time coming up with a correct answer to review questions: “Tomorrow I will cut off your neck if you do not answer” – Mr. Mubonda

In reference to all the kids in Khorixas: “We Africans, we are reproducing… seriously!” – Ms. Higinus

“Somebody told me I would have a kid by December. Why can’t we buy kids?” – Ms. Simon

At a bar in Khorixas, Mubonda’s phone rings in his pocket. His eyes perk up and says with a smile, “Aha! Girlfriend!” Looks at his phone, frowns and puts it back in his pocket. “Uh… No. Wife”

I have a special spot here for Mr. Goamub, my Head of Department. He is well over six foot three and is big. Not fat, but big. The man completely lacks that thing in your brain that stops you from saying things before you gauge if it is appropriate or not. He is a dedicated teacher and one of the greatest people I’ve met here. But the stuff that this guy says…

In reference to how happy he is teaching math to grade eleven, “Makes you so most happy that you want to stand naked in the class.”

Doing the opening prayer for the last staff meeting of the term, “Dear God, this is the day we’ve all been waiting for: when the learners will be going back. We know that because of their behavior, their parents don’t want them. But you, lord, we ask that you bless them and help their minds.”

An Aids Awareness Corner was set up in the staff room with a table covered with condoms and femidoms (female condoms). Goamub walks in, with the whole staff present, looks at the table, and waves a hand at the table saying, “Bah! None of these will fit me!”

And that's it for me for now. I hope you've gotten a little laugh out of these.